We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Say something about gay babies.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Randomize
