I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
