At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
