There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
