Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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