Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize