the condom got lost in my hair
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
