hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
