I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
i think im in europe. pls send help
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
