So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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