She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
