You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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