so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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