Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
