i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
