He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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