that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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