my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
