ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
