In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
The air taste purple.
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