Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
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The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
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I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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