You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You took a bar mat shot.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
