i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
