Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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