yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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