Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
