Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
