while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
