...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
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If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
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I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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