please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
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