Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
