The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Let's paint friendship bongs
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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