so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
