It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
