plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Also, beer. Big fan.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
