Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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