8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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