All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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