You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
