M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
