I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
