dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
