Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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