i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
