can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
