I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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