i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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