Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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