a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
