and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
