You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Randomize
