I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
