my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
