ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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