i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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