I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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