The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
