you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
