i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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