Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
