So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
